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[ website | this time i'll be bulletproof. ]
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friends only. [03 Jan 2020|05:07pm]
friends only.
comment first, then add me and i will be sure to add you back.
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[07 May 2010|02:02am]
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[08 Apr 2010|12:16am]
nothing exciting.
i'm trying morning glorys this weekend.
livejournal is mother fucking dead.
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ecstasy. [25 Mar 2010|08:57am]
it's really early in the morning. i haven't slept.
i've popped 5 xanax yesterday and i just realized...
i'm totally in love.
i'm in love with this guy. i'm gonna call him "pete".
pete and i've known each other for years. he was one of my best friend's distant relative.
i've watched stupid home baby movies of "pete" i pretty much knew him.
...and kinda secretly wanted him. he was only 2 years younger than us and that punk style he had fit in with the emo style i had in weird ways.
years later, i find out he's not really the little punk i thought he was.
he was a good way. i looked at his facebook page and thought...this is not the same pete i remember.
this pete is taller, with facial hair. this pete was cool, smoked mad weed. this pete wrote words from his heart that come out so eliquently.
so DUH i added him.
then maybe the next day,pete imed me. he asked me to come smoke a blunt with him.
at first he told me to throw 5 but i decided to make a deal with him and i ended up buying the dutch instead. (strawberry flavored too, being that he was hood now he said never to get a flavored dutch again)
we smoked together. at first when i saw him i thought to myself, he looks the same but not really. then i looked into his eyes. i couldn't help myself. i stared. his eyes are beautiful. his pupils were abnormally dialated but i didn't care. i stared more and more into his green eyes.
i didn't feel in love. not immediately anyway. i felt like i needed to know more.
when i left the apartment he gave me a hug but i wanted to kiss him. so i did. it was awkward, it landed on his cheek.
he told me call me later or come through tomorrow after work.
i did.
for 3 weeks.
i'd get off work and go straight there.
go home before i had to go to work change clothes, leave work and go back there.
i knew he was doing drugs. i didn't really know much all i knew was that i wanted to try e and i loved weed.
he gave me my first roll.
he was my first sexual experience on e.
i loved it.
i couldn't not hang out with him. he was my best friend.
sometimes we'd have sex. sometimes we'd just stare at each other and talk and kiss.
he kissed me "more than he ever did with any girl"

i had a crush. and it was growing.
he told me he had a crush on my too "duh"
pete and i would have sex and roll face atleast 3 times a week.
at this time i'd only pop a whole if i wanted to be fucked up.
i'd usually pop half.
pete eventually while spilling his guts to me told me his baby's mama was pregnant.
i did not give a SSSSHHHHIIITTT!
i really liked him there's a quality about him i can't quite put my finger on..

after we still hung out whilst me knowing he was gonna be a father,
he chose her over me.
i messaged him asking him why.
he said he didn't have to explain himself.
but if things were different, i'd be the perfect girl for him...really.(?)

that weekend i said FUCK PETE. and i was going to roll face with louie and his friends at the rave house.
i ate a bunk pill and two pink stars that got a nigga rollin.
needless to say being a diabetic i got really sick.
i was throwing up for all of the next day.
i was in the hospital.
no phone.
no facebook, myspace or twitter.
after threatening to cut my ivs off, my parents brought me my phone.
8 missed calls. 2 voicemails from pete.
i called him after my mom left.
he was tripping face he said he's going to come get me outta the hospital because "i'm not gonna lie, i missed you"

guess it didn't work with the baby mama.
i pulled the iv, got all my shit and left the hospital against medical advice.
i had no shoes on and i smelt like shit.

i took a shower with him laid down with him and fell asleep.
we didn't wake up til late watched a movie and i stayed the night.
that turned into 5 nights then pete's mom started to hate me and i just got my car and drove every night to his house.
we put on our favorite station, smoked mad weed and laid in my car. (sex in the backseat)

one morning he decided he wanted to date me. he was rollin' on six. i was completely sober.
he told me that he really really likes me and he wants to be my boyfriend.
i told him it wasn't a good idea.
he said to trust him. i did.
i was in love.
for no reason we broke up he wasn't ready.
he didn't want to put me in a situation before feelings got involved.
he still loved his baby's mama
how can you not tell when my eyes open widely. i start giggling like a child, i always want to be close to can you not tell feelings were already involved.

we didn't talk much after that.
then i grew a set of nuts and messaged him
he simply said why don't you bring it to me asshole and smoke a blunt with me.
wtf are you bipolar?
but then the feelings swooped in like when you're about to roll face.

w epicked him up we smoked. i had my friend chris there just incase. chris is gay but still he'll beat a nigga for me if it came down to it.
he sent me the text "look once i clear my life up, i would really want to be your boyfriend"
i said..."maybe"

then one day he told me he was moving.
i really didn't want him to.
i begged him not to.
then i didn't hear from him again...
i was in love but the love was unrequited...

months later he talks to me again.
it was whatever but i was kinda seeing someone.


i saw him more and more til finally i'm not seeing anyone anymore
and he asked me to hang out.

i did, not it's the fucking same shit all over again.
he's so not right for me but i just like everything about him.

tl;dr ikik.
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[21 Mar 2010|03:20pm]
why does this always happen to me?
like you ignore me forever then we talk and it's like old times again.
and it was so tumultuous that i thought that i couldn't be without you and i finally just got over it.
but it's like all the old feelings rush back and i want it to.
i'm happy but at the same time it's bittersweet.
cause i caused feelings to get in the way and that fucked everything up.
ugh what to do?
1 comment|post comment

[14 Mar 2010|03:24am]
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[06 Mar 2010|02:36pm]
hey livejournalers.
i gotta tell you guys about my intense fucking roll i had last night.
ok, eeryn gave me her blue star cause she had a pill to spare and i was too broke to call my dealer and buy one.
i looked at the pill, it hadwhite and brown specs on it. i never saw that before so i knew it was a brand new batch of these.
usually, i roll with 2 of these but since i had no cash and no choice, i dealt with just rollin' on one for tonight and i hadn't taken a epill for atleast a month so i knew i feel something.
i popped it around 9:30. dissolved it around my tounge for good measure. then swallowed it down.
a half hour later, i felt it.
then when i peaked, it was fucking intense. like my vision trippled... i saw trails and dots. everything sounded so loud. i was in another fucking zone.
i never tripped off an epill like that. that was fucking amazing.
i'm trying to do the same thing tonight to see if the same thing will happen.
yooo that shit is a good batch of fucking e pill. i really wanna find the green star again but i will most def. take that again. i'd much rather take it without that many people.
but they were like omggg we're so jealous. it felt awesome being the only one rolling.

my recreational mdma use continues...
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[21 Feb 2010|09:04pm]

since i've last updated:

- i've turned 21.
- i've tried molly, she's clean, fresh and amazing.
- quit smoking cigarettes.
- got food poisoning.
- just became alive.
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[03 Dec 2009|09:24pm]
i found molly.
this is going to be a great weekend.
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[02 Aug 2009|04:28pm]
you know what sucks, being fat. just saying.
1 comment|post comment

[27 Jul 2009|04:16pm]
shit's been crazy.
i shall have a real update soon.
if you've done e tell me about your experiences with it, i wanna try it soon.
2 comments|post comment

[28 Jun 2009|08:08am]
omg i'm a little slut.
2 comments|post comment

[23 Jun 2009|10:22am]
this diet has it's perks.

i finally look good in a bikini.
4 comments|post comment

[21 Jun 2009|10:27pm]
i smoked salvia yesterday and today.
listen, yesterday i didn't get a big enough hit and i just had the body high and pins and needles all over my body.
today, i took the biggest hit in the world and i was in my own universe. it was out of control. i saw my name spelled out backwards with music and my friends were far away and all i wanted were my cigarettes, i tried to reach for them and they were so far away. then i opened up the cave i was and it was all damp and shit and i got out then i stopped tripping but i was dripping sweat.
it was amazing.
i'm doing 40x next time.
2 comments|post comment

[07 Jun 2009|05:41pm]
i finally got a job.
at a resturant.
i made out ok today, $55 bucks on a $269 dollar day.
the place i work has drama though.
i'll tell later.
1 comment|post comment

[25 May 2009|07:48pm]
so some dirtbag dope head stole my phone at a party. gay.
i'm so pissed about it.
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[10 May 2009|09:08pm]
being that my family didn't wanna do anything with me on mother's day,
i spent it with james' family. and it wasn't bad at all.
well i took a power nap in james' room after lunch but still haha.
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[21 Apr 2009|07:15pm]

not having a car sucks ass.
at first i didn't feel the hurt being that i didn't have a licence, now i do.
i feel trapped in. it's horrible.
nothing much is happening in the life of fatima though.
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[06 Apr 2009|06:09pm]

so this week has been awesome.
i finally passed my road test. i've only taken it twice in the past two years but i passed and now i can drive.
i need a car but my parents are letting me use theirs until i can buy one of my own.
now, i need to find a job. seriously.
2 comments|post comment

[22 Mar 2009|08:04pm]
i almost died thursday night.
i was puking for 10 hours.
and completely dehydrated.
so i was in the hospital all weekend.
it sucked.
james & i have come to a new understanding about our relationship, it's refreshing.
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